for me to dance to.
for you to dance to, too.
and for us to see where were we before.
dance with me and we'll reach our dreams.
dance to the different beat,
and you'll travel to different places.
sebaik sebelum tidur, aku lintas depan rumah malaikat cinta.
dan ketemukan ini.
seperti sedang mendengar kecamukan rasa.
ramai minta aku move on,
go with the flow.
i don't want to give a damn about all that tonight.
about living life,
about moving on,
about living life.
come on, semua orang ada low points in life.
tapi tempoh, frekuensi,
kekuatan desibel atau apa saja cara kamu mengukurnya,
i JUST DON'T WANT TO GIVE A DAMN about it.
aku penat mengatur rasional.
aku penat memberi, dan berharap.
untuk kali keratusan.
penat.
maka sekali ini,
malam ini, waktu kalian semua sedang dibobok mimpi,
ditelan malam, ketika mata ini sedang berkeras,
please excuse me.
Find your light
Don’t hide from what you are
And rise before you fall
And hope for something more
Live if you really want to
All my life I’ve been looking for something amazing
It’s almost like I’ve been stargazing
The sky is right above me
We were meant for something bigger than this
Don’t ever try to dismiss yourself cause you don’t have to
(Chorus)
All my life my dreams just seemed so far away
And now it’s like they’re here to stay
I hold it close to me
We were meant for something bigger than this
Don’t ever try to dismiss yourself cause you don’t have to
people lie for some reasons. i lied, too.
i lie to myself, telling everything is okay, when its not.
i need that, to keep on living.
but living a lie, is not living.
yet, you still have to, cause death is not something you are entitle for.
but you know, lying comes with so many consequences.
you lied about living life happily when inside you're in pain,
you'll living in denial. and when all haze is blown away, you can see reality clearly.
and will you be able to start lying again?
choices in you hands.
you gotta have to choose.
and choosing is not easy.
life gives you options.
choose wisely.
lies, or truth?
abaikan rupa aku. ini 3 orang artis budaya unimap. yang paling aku rindu.
tahun2 mengejar balik rentak, irama dan bunga tari,
ini orang yang sabar mengajar. especially dua orang yang bawah tu.
seriyesli, masa berubah, bergerak,
rindu makin banyak. acuuu, terrryy, kak caroll.
rin rindu. comey kan gambaq kita?
:')
..sayu
..perasaan itu datang dengan tiba-tiba
rindu pada mereka
tapi aku tahu
aku harus melepaskan mereka
satu persatu
bila sampainya waktu Itu...
sebelum ajal mereka
aku impikan mereka diNIKAHkan oleh
abah mereka
selepas di nikahkan
mereka pasti pergi
membina keluarga sendiri..
..............ummi.....
-Ummi, April 21, 2011 at 5:39pm
we get this from our mum. we; me, angah & adik. the poetic side.
2 months ago, i lost my precious baby, the fat cat Puteh.
I mourned since that day, but life goes on.
Plus, i have Ruby to take care of, and the girl needs a lot of attention.
Few days after Puteh died, I noticed something's not normal with Ruby.
It seems like she gained weight a bit, and her tummy looks bigger that usual.
After what happened to Puteh, I am being quite paranoid with losing another one.
Mum said, probably she's pregnant, and she started to nag.
Its not that she hates cats, its just like me, we got attached to our pets,
and losing them would be hard. It has already being hard enough when Moktam went missing on Christmas the year before.
So I asked my sister, just to confirm about the news,
and I also called the vet that helped Puteh & Moktam last time to check on her.
But the Vet said, if its true that Ruby's pregnant, nothing much could be done.
Being a bit dissapointed with the vet, Ruby's being fully taking care.
The cleanliness of her fur, her cage, her food & water tray were ensure by me.
As if kalau adik silap sikit, bagi makan lambat or what, she'll get it from me.
Ruby herself turn into being so close to us.
Dari spesies kucing tak peduli hal sekeliling (Ruby is being an ignorance since baby)
dia jadi attention seeker. Tidur mesti nak manja-manja. Dah bagi dipeluk and way much manja than before.
Me and my lil sis starts to read more on pregnant cat,
sebab dua2 takda experience in handling any before.
Telatah Ruby kami perhati setiap satu and Ruby was not allowed to play outside anymore.
Kalau main bawah or garden kejap2 je.
On 15th Jan, Ruby dah mula meroyan. Started with few days before dia start to find place to nest.
Provide her with her normal basket with kusyen, but she wanted some private place.
Siap masuk dalam almari, bawah katil semua.
Right before tidur malam tu, air ketuban Ruby pecah ( i wonder cats pun panggil air ketuban ke? )
So that night, Ruby kena tido dalam cage, provided with a smaller basket for her.
And dia memang tak tenang malam tu, but still, soundless.
(Ruby spesies malas mengiau, dia kalau bunyi pun instead of miaw, it sounded like "Mehh~ Mehhh~")
Mum woke me up around 5.30, and the first thing i saw is blood. Tried not to panicked because I saw the kitten, two of them, I could not find Ruby anywhere nearby.
And by the way, she gave birth in front of the toilet!
I rushed downstairs, finding Ruby is no longer in the cage, obviously.
She pushed the cage and managed to escaped.
The second place I have in mind, would be the closet.
And there she is, scared.
Took the babies, guna kain baju lama adik, put them in the basket in the cage,
Ambil Ruby, bawak turun. Double check, one of the kitten died already.
Probably lemas.
Sedih, yeap. So i named her Summer. Summer Monday.
Summer was burried right besides Puteh. RIP dear summer. ;(
Autumn, is one survival-type. The few first day Ruby kena diatur utk baring, bagi Autumn menyusu.
And after only few days, Autumn dah kena jalan jauh ke Johor.
Day after day, Autumn growing up,
on 7th day Autumn dah boleh bukak mata, and starts walking.
More like swimming.
Today, its Autumn's 1st month birthday.
Autumn dah boleh lari-lari sikit. Dah pandai nak main sorok2 celah2 bantal,
dah pandai main cakar-cakar. Dah pandai merengek minta keluar cage.
Dah pandai seek for attention.
Despite of being the only one, Autumn semua orang sayang.
Even Mum and Dad pun start to communicate with Autumn.
(tak tau nak letak him/her)
Dah sebulan, but i still have complication to determine Autumn's gender.
Moktam dulu pun, Puteh pun. Ruby pun tau betina sebab housemate cakap.
Menantu pilihan la katakan.
And here's Autumn's vid.
Ada orang kata, haiwan peliharaan tak boleh ambil gambar banyak2.
Nanti dia mati, tapi, sebenarnya, gambar & video2 nilah pengubat hati bila2 rindu.
Dan semua tu, tak taulah. Terpulang pada individu nak percaya ke tak.
tinggalkan segala amarah, dendam dan benci.
untuk mulakan sesuatu dengan lebih baik.
bila kejap-kejap hati bergelora diusik amarah,
maka, diam.
istighfar.
Tuhan Maha Adil,
tak dijadikan sesuatu tanpa bersebab.
aku bukan tak cuba,
dah. dan masih.
ini masih beat yang sama.
the mellow one.
aku layan lagu ni sejak masuk kerja semula rabu tu.
air mata aku kejap ada kejap takda.
kejap aku gelak ketawa, tak lama lepas tu aku layan jiwa balik.
esok aku kena kerja.
bukan berat pun. pergi exhibition.
masuk sekerat hari je pun.
tapi petang baru kena pergi.
aku cuba lah.
lately ramai kawan-kawan post pasal kahwin.
seronok tengok orang nak mula settle down.
aku dah malas simpan duit.
gaji sejak 5 bulan kerja, ada lah seratus dua je tinggal dalam simpanan.
lain aku dah labur kat adik2 dengan anak-anak.
autumn monday dah berjalan-jalan.
minggu depan 4 minggu.
ruby makin manja.
arjuna sibuk kerja.
3kali hujung minggu aku merantau dengan family.
minggu ni sekerat bakal habis tanpa rehat.
tak, aku tak benci pun hidup sekarang.
dah masuk februari. aku ada misi.
misi kecil-kecilan. pasal takde duit, lepas tu memang aku cuma tahu menulis.
tunggulah. yang perlu tahu akan tahu.
tadi aku luah rindu kat malaikat cinta.
entah, hubungan aku dengan dia memang macam tu.
ada, secara sunyi.
sebab umur nak masuk 24, ada waktu-waktu rasa loser.
tapi malas lah. at least ada kerja, tiap-tiap bulan ada gaji.
upgrade hidup nanti aku susun. takkan semua nak cerita, kan?
gadis merah tak berupdate. nota kecil makin mengarut. angan dan mimpi, lagi.
apa dah jadi dengan passion aku, taktau.
hilang inspirasi. lagi sekali. untuk duapuluhdua ribu kali.
aku sedang mahu melawan sakit bulanan tadi.
arjuna datang mengajak makan sekali.
kedai makan yang baru pertama kali pergi.
aku sedang menyuap habuan tengah hari, dan itu dia.
kelibat seseorang lalu.
senano saat, hati berdetik, "macam kak yah"
dan kemudian segenap otak dan akal fikiran bekerja keras.
membuahkan pandangan-pandangan dan idea-idea tentang kehidupan arwah yang sangat rahsia semenjak pulang semula ke borneo.
aku terbayangkan jasad tua itu bekerja di kedai-kedai makan.
kasihan, sungguh!
semalam dalam train pulang ke rumah, hal yang sama.
aku nampak orang yang seperti arwah.
aku rindu.
aku tak pernah berhenti rindu.
walaupun pulang dan jarang luang masa,
tapi bila berjauh,
asal kredit celcom penuh,
bila-bila teringat aku tahu jari nak scroll ke mana dan dail no siapa.
macam tadi,
selalu, bila ternampak, teringat, balik office,
balik rumah, cepat-cepat dail.
kadang-kadang dalam train pun boleh.
asal sempat.
rasa hilang ni tak sama macam hilang puteh hari tu.
hilang puteh depan mata,
dalam riba.
aku tahu puteh sungguh pergi.
sebab dia habis nyawa dalam rangkul aku.
arwah kakyah pergi,
jauh seberang laut.
walhal seminggu sebelum tu, baru je telefon.
aku kacau dia berak, katanya.
gelak-gelak sikit dan terpaksa letak telefon.
masa kerja dah sampai.
arwah kakyah, bukan emak.
dia lebih pada kakak yang aku tak pernah akan ada.
dan sekarang, aku mohon Tuhan ampun segala dosa dia.
dan beri aku kekuatan jiwa,
untuk sungguh-sungguh redha.
dan untuk kuat menelan hakikat yang--
lepas ni takde orang yang sama ajar aku cakap sarawak,
takde orang akan ajar aku masak macam dia,
takde orang yang akan cakap i love you i miss you,
tak ada dah ucapan happy birthday dari borneo.
banyak yang dah takkan ada,
tapi,
lagi banyak yang tinggal. dan sebenarnya Dia lagi tahu apa yang akan ada.
pesan untuk diri sendiri,
bila-bila ingat, sedekah al-fatihah.
dan untuk arwah, aku ada misi nak di capai.
20120207
beberapa waktu yang lalu.
semua ini adalah kehidupan.
have you ever face a breakdown moment?
a moment when you are emotionally down, up to the point you couldn't do nothing but crying and let the mood flows with sadness?
some say, go and express it.
tell it to someone you are comfortable with.
or write it down. paint a picture. go hang out with you friends.
in my case, i would really need a hug.
but hugs are not easily found nowadays. the very last comfortable hugs i ever get when i was in such situation was during my schooldays. my besties, nanot & nukam were the best. actually, all my besties were the best huggers. i miss zier & ezzy to for that matter. their hugs calm me down in many breakdown moment. :')
the truth is,
all those motivating calm words,
hugs whatever it is that you think is majorly needed at the moment,
it wont last. you'll feel better, yes.
but after few moment, you'll tend to want more.
bear in mind, your friends couldn't be there with you at all time.
thus, i'm telling you one thing that would help.
pick up the phone, talk to your creator.
yes, do that.
talk to Him as He would listen to you.
through hard and ease.
and whatever happens to you, you have to believe that it happened for reasons.
there is one reason, at least.
which sometimes, you couldn't see it directly at the breakdown moment,
but you will eventually see it.
it is hard to accept things that happen unexpectedly.
lost, heartbreak. but through out the years, days, hours and minutes of life,
i am pretty sure, you'll find peace and ease at heart by doing so.
it was never wrong to turn to your closest friends and family,
but whenever you give everything in yourlife to your creator,
He'll take care of everything and He'll be there even when you didn't remember Him.
