Almost.

I almost lost another baby, yesterday. almost.
Autumn Monday went out on wednesday night, a normal routine for her,
to take a night walk or sight seeing before she returns back home midnight.
Subuh semalam, aku bangun dan pura-pura tenang bila aku tengok mangkuk makanan dia tak berusik.
Pergi kerja, lalui rutin robot macam biasa. berkejar menyelesaikan apa yang perlu.
sampai waktu tengah hari bila adik hantar mesej bertanya tentang Autumn. dan itulah waktu aku tahu aku harus berdepan realiti-
My baby girl went missing.
So i texted adik and tell her what she needs to know. Asked angah to actually spread out the cat litter which is seldom used by Autumn, cause I once read the tips to call back your kitties is by doing so.
Sampai rumah lepas kerja semalam, dalam hujan renyai aku intaikan juga kawasan depan surau,
mengharap kalau sudah sampai masa berpisah kami, biar aku temukan tubuhnya. masih, tak jumpa.

After shower, tried to call for her from every single place where she can used as entrance door, verandah bilik ummi, tingkap bilik belakang, tingkap dapur, pintu bawah, still, no sign of her. Tapi sama macam hari Tabby keluar sehari suntuk tak balik-balik kelmarin dulu, I can feel like I could actually heard Autumn's collar's bell. Percayalah, aku simpan harapan tinggi untuk dengar dia mengiau masuk dalam bilik.

I went to bed last night with teary eyes. Aku tak boleh tidak rasa takut. I've lost Puteh, We've lost Moktam. Another lost is predictable, but I was never prepared for any. Doa sebelum tidur, sehabis harap aku berserah.

I woke up this morning, I have no heart to go to work. Hati, kepala cuma harap akan nampak kelibat si putih tu balik depan pintu rumah as I opened the door this morning while tunggu Abah siap-siap to fetch me to work. Tabby turun, macam faham kerisauan aku, he tried to asked for some attention, and I did pay attention, but I couldn't stop myself from asking Autumn's whereabout.

Kerja, banyak. Aku buat, habis separuh hati.

Sampailah, received a sudden call from Angah.

"Long, Autumn dah balik."

ALHAMDULILLAH! ALHAMDULILLAH!

She's back, safe and sound. With a little bruise, and starving stomach.

I couldn't smile any wider than I did. =)

Though someday, things like this might happen again, I wish they stayed with us for as long as it could be.

I can't prepare myself to lose any of them. ANY.

memory lane

walking down some memory lane.
bringing back the good time we have.
and we shall have more, insyaAllah.

more years to come. together we shall embrace it together.

puteh, after 17 months gone

some people, were meant to be taken away from your life,
is so that you will live your life better.
and not just people.
others too.

after you died, puteh,
along now have another four crazy bunch of furballs,
to be taken care of.
but none of them is the same you.
and they were treated way better than you were.
loved way much than you were.

still, no one can be you.
can replace you.

sometimes on some random nights,
along dreams of you.
of you sitting on a high bed,
looking at me,
and it seems like you're happy at where you are now.

i hope i treated you well my stray boy.
the one who walked into my house with fleas.
the one who can't wait more than a second to have his bottle of milk.
of the one who cares the most of ruby when all she does is bullying you.

and the one who until his very last breath,
had never send me that much of worry, pain, or sadness.
just because, you were born, raised just to share those moment with us.
and leave cause you don't want to see me crying any more than the day you went away.
forever.

thank you for letting me love you, puteh.
i have never stop wishing to meet you again, some other fortunate day.

for me.

for me,
some people are meant to be forgotten of.
some memories were made to remind us some bitter moment of life.
some stories you heard are really an eye opener.

for me,
both of you were the past for us.
yet, sometimes it bothers a bit here and there.
of why it must goes that way instead of this way.

for me,
pleasing you is way important than pleasing myself,
that your smile means that much to me,
even a bleeding heart heals the moment your sparkling smiles appears from your face.

for me,
what people think doesn't bothers that much.
but what's best as what we want matters.
and that will be what we're planning for.

for me,
having you, all of you.
is the greatest gift.
on my previous 25th birthday, 24th and the upcoming birthday.
just so you know,
i write you this.
literally.

moving on

selalu kita nak sesuatu tapi tak dapat. tapi selalu juga kita dapat apa yang kita tak nak.
yang kita tak pernah fikir akan dapat.
itu, norma yang dah selalu sangat jadi.

sampai ada satu-satu tahap, berhenti berharap.

mungkin dari situ belajar bersyukur.
belajar menerima apa yang ada dalam hidup sebagai kurniaan.
sebagai dugaan juga dalam satu-satu masa.

dan kematangan akal, kemampuan berfikir teruji dan membuktikan kemampuan.
situlah.

bila nak sangat dapat kerja, tak dapat.
alih-alih dipanggil kurus. padahal dah dua minggu dekat rumah bermalasan.
terpaksa tinggal semua luxury di rumah semata untuk kursus.
yang tak tahu pun, apa tunggu lepas tu.

pergi interview pertama dengan harapan dapat kerja jadi jurutera,
tau-tau mereka datang mencari yang ada pengalaman.
mana nak dapatttttt?
sebulan selepas, dapat kerja lain. tengok-tengok lepas setahun,
masih dengan kompeni yang sama.

bila putus nyawa sebab putus cinta, balik serah diri pada Tuhan.
bilang pada Dia,
"Ya Allah, tutup dan lindunglah hati aku dari cinta lagi, kalau takdirnya nanti cuma patah hati. biar aku cuma menabur bakti, dan menjadi abdi kalau tiada cinta lagi."
kemudian, Dia tunjukkan cinta dari arah lain. dari sudut lain.
dan menduga dengan cinta yang lain.
dan mengurnia cinta yang satu lagi.

ahhh.
semua ini kalau tanya sesetengah orang,
"buat apa merancang? kan Tuhan sudah tentukan qada' qadar kita?"
kemudian sesetengah lagi akan menjawab,
"takkan berubah nasib sesuatu kaum kalau tak mereka yang merubahnya"
maka akan ada sesetengah lagi yang bertanya,
"lantas, seharusnya kita ini berbuat bagaimana?"

-usaha
-usaha
-usaha
-doa
-tawakal.

nampak tak? usaha penting. usaha lah macam mana pun.
toreh hati sampai tak berdarah. naik turun bangunan sampai kurus.
buat senyum plastik sampai nampak macam senyuman paling genuine.

dan, ada masa-masanya kita harus berhenti berharap pada sesuatu yang sudah terlalu lama kita idamkan.
atau mungkin kita harus berusaha menghantar satu lagi resume, kerana mungkin bakal kompeni sudah menunggu saat mencari pekerja baru,
atau mungkin, malam ini adalah malam doa mustajab sekali dipohon.

masa yang sudah tak mungkin berpatah balik.
tapi setiap jalan, laluan, awan, bukit bukau, sungai yang pernah kita tempuh,
sudah menyimpankan sedikit memori untuk kita senyumkan.
baik dalam pahit, atau manis rasanya di dada.