9 tahun lepas..

masa tu selalu berjalan tanpa kita perlu hitung. selalunya, kita yang akhirnya terkebil-kebil ditinggalkan masa. tapi ini bukan semata-mata entri tentang masa. ini entri sempena peristiwa yang akan selalu buat aku tersenyum, dan rindu pada orang yang satu ini, sejak sembilan tahun yang lepas. =)
sejak sesi makan-makan dengan famili lepas maghrib tadi, aku dah tersenyum-senyum membayangkan apa yang aku buat sekejap tadi. memunggah history gtalk dengan orang yang satu ni. dan walau dah acapkali aku ceritakan pada yang dah tahu, aku wajar abadikan dekat sini. semoga ini menjadi laman abadi yang akan buat aku senyum macam sekarang ni, suatu masa nanti.

so this is how, it begins...

22 februari 2010, adalah hari aku betul-betul decide untuk move one. tahun 2009, adalah tahun heartbreaking untuk aku. untuk banyak alasan, salah satunya, major breakdown sebab putus cinta dengan kekasih lama. dalam aku melawan emosi sendiri, dan berlagak gagah dan berlindung di sebalik banyak tulisan dekat sini, tahun 2009-2010 tahun aku battling dengan jiwa sendiri. tahun aku meranap dan akhirnya, genap usia aku 22, yang mana bertahun sebelum tu, aku berangan nak kahwin dah masa umur 22. mana nak tahu Tuhan nak suruh aku single, alone and heartbroken.

jadinya, lepas aku meraikan harijadi yang ke-22 tu dengan membalas mesej kawan-kawan baik di sms (zaman belum ada whatsapp meluas), facebook (kot masa tu) & gtalk ataupun skype, aku kembali ke bilik di rumah staff (yang percuma 6 bulan tu), dan solat magrib particularly hari tu, aku melt down.

usai maghrib, aku dalm sedu-sedan (yang aku pun tak tahu kenapa) aku decide dan berdoa minta Tuhan kuatkan aku. palingkan hati aku dari yang salah dan cuma simpankan jiwa aku, hati aku, untuk yang paling layak dan paling ikhlas. aku tak betul-betul ingat but one doa yang aku exactly sebut lepas solat tu sounds like this, "Ya Allah, aku dah penat. Aku tak mampu dan aku tak mau perasaan ni. Kalau Kau nak, kau ambil seluruh jiwa aku, jadikan aku takde langsung kasih sayang ni. hilangkan jiwa aku dari sayangkan sesiapa kalau semata-mata aku nak sedih lagi macam ni. palingkan hati aku dari xxxxxxx ni, dan simpankan hati aku ni pada yang benar-benar sudi dan nak aku bukan sekadar nak patahkan lagi hati aku. dah bertahun, aku tetap salah dan aku dah penat. aku tau dan aku sedar aku tak layak pun nak mintak semua ni, tapi aku tetap nak mintak" dan banjirlah telekung aku dengan air mata merembes macam tak reti nak berhenti tu.

malam tu seingat aku, aku dinner dengan kakct, housemate aku masa tengah praktikal tu. sembang ala kadar, kakct pun wish birthday, and aku masuk tidur malam tu dengan rasa kosong.

malam tu, untuk pertama kalinya, aku tidur tanpa air mata macam sesetengah malam sebelumnya.

23 februari, habis kerja (praktikal) rutin aku macam biasa, dinner, sembang dengan kakct, dan aku on gtalk, skype. masa tu pakai broadband celcom yang connection bolehlahhhh. sekarang ni kalau bukak page takde dah bergulung-gulung cursor nak loading.

exatly at 9.17pm, aku nampak orang ni online. aku tegur :

9:17 PM me: oit comel   haha  .sayang.saya.: woit bday gurl!   heee  me: hadiah!

malam tu, kami berbual macam kawan-kawan lama bertanya khabar, bergurau mengarut. sentuh sikit hal-hal hati. tapi betul2 on surface based level. tapi malam 23 februari, sembilan tahun lepas, membuka jalan untuk aku dengan orang yang insyaAllah tahun ini, tahun kesembilan mengadap segala keanehan aku, dan orang yang aku rasa Tuhan kirim selepas doa aku di malam 22 februari. walaupun dalam hari-hari mendatang lepas 23 februari tu aku selalu tertanya dan ragu-ragu, betul ke dia jawapan permintaan tu. tapi, Tuhan tu maha kaya. dia jawab semua permintaan kita, semua doa kita. cuma dalam cara yang selalu kita tak nampak on the spot.

that, happens for me. and kalau ada yang terbaca ni suatu hari nanti, do believe that Allah hears you. sometimes, dia datangkan kita banyak benda dalam satu masa yang kita tak nampak pun, baik ke buruk immediately. but He wants us to find it. to look into the best of the things.

to my beautiful soul husband, happy 9th years of us. semoga baca whatsapp esok gelak-gelak la ye. i love you, very much, and i will always love you, insyaAllah. <3 p="">
p/s : aku siap compose lagu kot untuk dia. punya hebat penangan sambut "oit comel!" malam tu. haha!

kemaruk update

i knew that this place is still relevant despite of there are many more other things within the tech space like instagram and twitter and what not

many, like me, find our peace here. bukan la tak boleh pergi solat or mengaji or any other aktiviti kerohanian. some people like me, find peace in venting out our words.

yang most of the time, aku telan. pahit.

in the recent year, aku perasan aku selalu bergelut dengan dua benda ni, jealous dan doubts

jealous tu kadang-kadang terkeluar jugak dari kepala lalu ikut mulut, and it create some tense. yang sometimes, bawak bergaduh tak kira dengan siapa aku luahkan kecemburuan tu, but most of the time, mcm post aku sebelum ni, aku struggle to see things in a different perspective. cuma, bila aku paksa untuk stay positive, aku harap sangat Tuhan reset hati dan perasaan aku ke normal lepas aku masuk tidur setiap malam yang aku ada masalah cemburu tu.

well, doubts, aku agree adalah sejenis perangkap dan mainan syaitan yang paling tak luput dek zaman. bohong kalau aku kata that i never doubted my decisions in life. sometime aku fikir, betul ke decision aku berhenti kerja dulu untuk kerja sekarang, betul ke aku patut stay bonded dalam company sekarang for a better future, betul ke aku tak bersungguh dalam kuruskan badan sebab semua orang kata tu, mungkin akan permudahkan aku untuk getting pregnant, betul ke tak, aku pilih orang yang betul.

the war with doubts ni selalunya wujud atau datang selepas isu jealous. you see the connection? prasangka dan satu emosi yang negative. kalau tak dibedung, maka dia marak macam api yang sedang menjilat rumah kayu. tau-tau je hangus.

(eiii sambil menaip ni, aku struggle betul dengan jari jemari aku yang suka nak pakai shortforms and no 2 bagi perkataan berganda. screw you!)

apa yang aku boleh simpulkan, i guess, for now, selagi masih terbendung dan perbalahan disebabkan jealous or doubts tu tak la sampai kau terlepas cakap, tercederakan diri sendiri atau orang lain, i guess, it's fine.

btw, aku rajin yang amat ni sebab, hari ni aku buat cuti sendiri. malam tadi aku dapat serangan gastric sampai aku merengek nak mintak gastric shots. aku dah almost 5 tahun free of gastric. kerja sekarang stress kot lately.

tapi puncanya pun sebab nak bertukar boss dah. current boss is somewhat depending on me to settle some of the matter. bukan tak ada orang lain, tapi maybe sebab aku spesies yang tak reti nak menolak kalau orang mintak tolong tu. maka, hadap la lagi beberapa hari ni. semoga Tuhan permudahkan.


akhir kata, kerja lagi 3 hari sebelum ahad menjelma. yes, aku kena kerja sabtu ni dan assignment ctdm aku belum siap.

p/s: ctdm stands for certification of training and development manager. aku belajar dekat mihrm. sebab boss sekarang paksa dulu. tapi aku bersyukur je, sebab bagus untuk knowledge aku. dan semoga nanti ke depan ada nilai la certificate tu.

depression and what happens so far

bismillahirahmanirrahim..

it has been a very busy year. with diving trips, family commitment, work predominantly
and other matters

i recently have the urge of coming back here to write, but time simply didn't permits me to do so.
so, in this post i'll talk about my humble experience with a friend who have been diagnosed with major depression and recently, bipolar personality

i've known the girl for almost 10 years now. we haven't met each other until some time last year. it was not in the known until sometimes later and myself have been one of the primary friends in comfort for her. i've seen how small things that may not matter in the past have built her current issues at the moment.

depression is real. and sometimes it's sad to see how people simply announce to the world that they are depressed, like it is some sort of a declaration of social status. i pity those who have been diagnosed but same time, i want them to see that they are chosen for the test from Him. not everyone is capable to live a day, having the "little demon" telling them to live negatively. but nevertheless, they need support.

and most of the time, i have to keep reminding myself to be positive for them, to help her see the angles of her life differently to make it better. maybe my words are soothing enough, but i do believe in one thing for sure. every bad things (things that we are seeing it as bad) have the silver lining at the end of it. that is like an upgrade of our life

surprisingly, within the year, sometime i feel like i am emulating the positivism and seeing things too positive. sometimes, it scary and eats me up. there was a time when i started questioning myself, whether i am too a depressed person. but, the signs weren't showing. hence, i continue my life as usual. by keeping on trying to see on a different way.

in the end of the day, we make the decision, aren't we?

embrace the circle

soon will mark my 1st year with current co
and once again, i am venturing into doing something out from my usual scopes,
but 11 months down the road, it is still related to something i have always liked.
it's people related and it allows me to meet more people
career wise, it's a developmental and learning curve advancement

however, the environment are much dense with very minimal diversity involved
in some days i feel like my capability of communicating are getting rusty
but i can have the best of both world, ey?

turned 30, in february.
a minimal celebration but still, turning a year older was supposed to make me become even more matured
and more moderate
and i liked that as i can feel i am enjoying the fact of getting older

somehow, it also reminds me of getting nearer to an expiring date
of the decreasing period of time with some of people in my life
as i am getting older, some others are getting even older
and being old, is closely related to death
and death is always being next to separation, losing

in most of my random thoughts, i simply hate this
i hate the fact that someday death will tear me apart (physically) with my loved ones
but if i wanted to go on with life,
that will be the circle

and that is something that i need embrace

late post!

without any further due, or whether we are ready or not,
2017 have already left us.
2017 have open up a new horizon for me.

many things happened, and as much as it is so hard for me to see the hikmah behind,
hikmah slowly emerges and surfaces to the top.

we begin with some internal family affairs,
on responsibility and being irresponsible,
and later, babah's mild stroke attack end september
there were so many occasions in my life
and getting to know a dear friend of mine was affected by a major depression,
and while that happens, it's like a spark turns into a huge fire where somehow on the other side of the globe, people committed suicide due to depression
and it really push me off to lend hands, shoulders, ears and all means to give support

with so many things happened to summarize my 2017, dive trips have been amazing!
- february, mabul sipadan.
- april, tioman
- may, bidong
- july, tenggol
- august, tenggol again. a crazy one day trip, hubs aborted two out the three dives
- november, koh lipe, there were so many dramas behind the successness of the trip. all praise to Allah

when it comes to life goals, i guess, as a couple we will have to wait still. :)

2017 allows me to meet new people, and alhamdulillah, everyone is a great companion and even if they left, it was also for good.

i am currently at work. yeah, 2017 is when my working schedule includes some alternate saturday. :'( so, i will always look forward for the saturdays without work. :D

to many more good things and events in 2018, insya-Allah.
for me, and for you and for all of us.