embracing

this year, within the first quarter itself, has hit us all hard.
in ways that we could never imagine.
earlier january, the world was awakened by the arrival of the deadliest virus.
novel corona virus they named it. or the technical people in the laboratory and medical lines named it 2019-nCoV which later easily referred to as covid-19
within days, then weeks when it first surfaced in malaysia, we got shocked
from 23 then the number of positive infected people raise to hundreds within days and with lack of understanding and awareness, the number keep on hiking up
and for the first time in many years, those who lived 2020 in malaysia, witnesses how the current government worked as a unit
we were introduced to movement control order (mco) taking effective 18th march to 31st march.
within a week plus, it got extended until 14th april and later to 28th april and yesterday, in conjunction with the arrival of Ramadan it is once again, extended until 12th may. and our 8th prime minister tan sri muhyidin yassin even said, we may not celebrate raya as usual this year.

that, is one of among the biggest changes in 2020.

in circa 1990, we were expecting flying cars, advanced technology, fancy skyscrapers and lots more.

but when the year actually come, little that we foresee, working from home is the new norm for most industries. at my workplace especially. many of us learnt to pick up skills to communicate virtually. suddenly everyone knows how to use microsoft team, then zoom became boom, skype, webex, google meet and many more. even the baby boomers in the group are forced to learn.

my own mom & dad pick up whatsapp video call, something they reluctant to before as they were afraid of scammers etc.

within the past month, there were a lot of time available for us to choose to use wisely. i on the other hand, have some sloppy days, and some remarkable productive day.

but more than I can say, covid-19 is somehow both blessing and curse upon us. for once, we knew how important the nurses & doctors are. we would never know that a tiny microorganisms could affect us badly like what it did.

but count our blessings to that this period allows us to take a moment and make necessary check-up calls, asking our beloved ones being.

ramadan day -1, be grateful.

last, maybe?

i guess, this would be the right time to look back of what have been done and what's next for next year
can anyone at my age believe that, 2020 is actually coming, in less than 10 days?
i remembered when i was very young, i used to buy a malaysian comic called, "kawan"
the comic used to have a series of how our country shall look like in 2020 with all kinds of technology we could imagine then, like flying cars etc. but, for 20 years later, some may have come true
some, are still the same old, same mindset

2019, is a year of loss for me.
i lost nonet on may, then tok aki in august, followed by maktok in september
i lost my phone to technology disruption
i lost and gain some friends too
at certain point of time, i thought i'm losing my mind as well

but i guess, it's in human's nature to be capable of surviving
and having the power of will to move forward

the diving expedition and explore shall continue

a couple of good news starts blooming towards year end

so, shall 2020 be a great year?

insya Allah, it will be. :)

you don't need to read this. for real..

i have been serving the organization for close to two years 6 months now. that is the new record based on my employment history. never have i ever thought i could ever make it or stay in any organization for more than 2 years.

in this two years, i must say, there were ups and downs. the norms when you allow people to be close to you only to discover their capability of backstabbing you, then the more you know people, the more of their cards you can see. and the most scariest part is letting people to see you, in the real you.

some of the people who have known me outside of my work environment may agree to this statement that i am not the same at work.

i am much more vulnerable outside.

however, i must tell, you cannot expect the best of both in the working environment. most of the time, you gotta check your reality and make the calls accordingly.

i have been having so many attempts trying to write things down, be it here or in my diary. but i always ended up either watching netflix, or browsing the social media uncontrollably. ]

let me try to see if i can at least post something beneficial here. or else, just another random rambling and rants.

'till, then.

9 tahun lepas..

masa tu selalu berjalan tanpa kita perlu hitung. selalunya, kita yang akhirnya terkebil-kebil ditinggalkan masa. tapi ini bukan semata-mata entri tentang masa. ini entri sempena peristiwa yang akan selalu buat aku tersenyum, dan rindu pada orang yang satu ini, sejak sembilan tahun yang lepas. =)
sejak sesi makan-makan dengan famili lepas maghrib tadi, aku dah tersenyum-senyum membayangkan apa yang aku buat sekejap tadi. memunggah history gtalk dengan orang yang satu ni. dan walau dah acapkali aku ceritakan pada yang dah tahu, aku wajar abadikan dekat sini. semoga ini menjadi laman abadi yang akan buat aku senyum macam sekarang ni, suatu masa nanti.

so this is how, it begins...

22 februari 2010, adalah hari aku betul-betul decide untuk move one. tahun 2009, adalah tahun heartbreaking untuk aku. untuk banyak alasan, salah satunya, major breakdown sebab putus cinta dengan kekasih lama. dalam aku melawan emosi sendiri, dan berlagak gagah dan berlindung di sebalik banyak tulisan dekat sini, tahun 2009-2010 tahun aku battling dengan jiwa sendiri. tahun aku meranap dan akhirnya, genap usia aku 22, yang mana bertahun sebelum tu, aku berangan nak kahwin dah masa umur 22. mana nak tahu Tuhan nak suruh aku single, alone and heartbroken.

jadinya, lepas aku meraikan harijadi yang ke-22 tu dengan membalas mesej kawan-kawan baik di sms (zaman belum ada whatsapp meluas), facebook (kot masa tu) & gtalk ataupun skype, aku kembali ke bilik di rumah staff (yang percuma 6 bulan tu), dan solat magrib particularly hari tu, aku melt down.

usai maghrib, aku dalm sedu-sedan (yang aku pun tak tahu kenapa) aku decide dan berdoa minta Tuhan kuatkan aku. palingkan hati aku dari yang salah dan cuma simpankan jiwa aku, hati aku, untuk yang paling layak dan paling ikhlas. aku tak betul-betul ingat but one doa yang aku exactly sebut lepas solat tu sounds like this, "Ya Allah, aku dah penat. Aku tak mampu dan aku tak mau perasaan ni. Kalau Kau nak, kau ambil seluruh jiwa aku, jadikan aku takde langsung kasih sayang ni. hilangkan jiwa aku dari sayangkan sesiapa kalau semata-mata aku nak sedih lagi macam ni. palingkan hati aku dari xxxxxxx ni, dan simpankan hati aku ni pada yang benar-benar sudi dan nak aku bukan sekadar nak patahkan lagi hati aku. dah bertahun, aku tetap salah dan aku dah penat. aku tau dan aku sedar aku tak layak pun nak mintak semua ni, tapi aku tetap nak mintak" dan banjirlah telekung aku dengan air mata merembes macam tak reti nak berhenti tu.

malam tu seingat aku, aku dinner dengan kakct, housemate aku masa tengah praktikal tu. sembang ala kadar, kakct pun wish birthday, and aku masuk tidur malam tu dengan rasa kosong.

malam tu, untuk pertama kalinya, aku tidur tanpa air mata macam sesetengah malam sebelumnya.

23 februari, habis kerja (praktikal) rutin aku macam biasa, dinner, sembang dengan kakct, dan aku on gtalk, skype. masa tu pakai broadband celcom yang connection bolehlahhhh. sekarang ni kalau bukak page takde dah bergulung-gulung cursor nak loading.

exatly at 9.17pm, aku nampak orang ni online. aku tegur :

9:17 PM me: oit comel   haha  .sayang.saya.: woit bday gurl!   heee  me: hadiah!

malam tu, kami berbual macam kawan-kawan lama bertanya khabar, bergurau mengarut. sentuh sikit hal-hal hati. tapi betul2 on surface based level. tapi malam 23 februari, sembilan tahun lepas, membuka jalan untuk aku dengan orang yang insyaAllah tahun ini, tahun kesembilan mengadap segala keanehan aku, dan orang yang aku rasa Tuhan kirim selepas doa aku di malam 22 februari. walaupun dalam hari-hari mendatang lepas 23 februari tu aku selalu tertanya dan ragu-ragu, betul ke dia jawapan permintaan tu. tapi, Tuhan tu maha kaya. dia jawab semua permintaan kita, semua doa kita. cuma dalam cara yang selalu kita tak nampak on the spot.

that, happens for me. and kalau ada yang terbaca ni suatu hari nanti, do believe that Allah hears you. sometimes, dia datangkan kita banyak benda dalam satu masa yang kita tak nampak pun, baik ke buruk immediately. but He wants us to find it. to look into the best of the things.

to my beautiful soul husband, happy 9th years of us. semoga baca whatsapp esok gelak-gelak la ye. i love you, very much, and i will always love you, insyaAllah. <3 p="">
p/s : aku siap compose lagu kot untuk dia. punya hebat penangan sambut "oit comel!" malam tu. haha!

kemaruk update

i knew that this place is still relevant despite of there are many more other things within the tech space like instagram and twitter and what not

many, like me, find our peace here. bukan la tak boleh pergi solat or mengaji or any other aktiviti kerohanian. some people like me, find peace in venting out our words.

yang most of the time, aku telan. pahit.

in the recent year, aku perasan aku selalu bergelut dengan dua benda ni, jealous dan doubts

jealous tu kadang-kadang terkeluar jugak dari kepala lalu ikut mulut, and it create some tense. yang sometimes, bawak bergaduh tak kira dengan siapa aku luahkan kecemburuan tu, but most of the time, mcm post aku sebelum ni, aku struggle to see things in a different perspective. cuma, bila aku paksa untuk stay positive, aku harap sangat Tuhan reset hati dan perasaan aku ke normal lepas aku masuk tidur setiap malam yang aku ada masalah cemburu tu.

well, doubts, aku agree adalah sejenis perangkap dan mainan syaitan yang paling tak luput dek zaman. bohong kalau aku kata that i never doubted my decisions in life. sometime aku fikir, betul ke decision aku berhenti kerja dulu untuk kerja sekarang, betul ke aku patut stay bonded dalam company sekarang for a better future, betul ke aku tak bersungguh dalam kuruskan badan sebab semua orang kata tu, mungkin akan permudahkan aku untuk getting pregnant, betul ke tak, aku pilih orang yang betul.

the war with doubts ni selalunya wujud atau datang selepas isu jealous. you see the connection? prasangka dan satu emosi yang negative. kalau tak dibedung, maka dia marak macam api yang sedang menjilat rumah kayu. tau-tau je hangus.

(eiii sambil menaip ni, aku struggle betul dengan jari jemari aku yang suka nak pakai shortforms and no 2 bagi perkataan berganda. screw you!)

apa yang aku boleh simpulkan, i guess, for now, selagi masih terbendung dan perbalahan disebabkan jealous or doubts tu tak la sampai kau terlepas cakap, tercederakan diri sendiri atau orang lain, i guess, it's fine.

btw, aku rajin yang amat ni sebab, hari ni aku buat cuti sendiri. malam tadi aku dapat serangan gastric sampai aku merengek nak mintak gastric shots. aku dah almost 5 tahun free of gastric. kerja sekarang stress kot lately.

tapi puncanya pun sebab nak bertukar boss dah. current boss is somewhat depending on me to settle some of the matter. bukan tak ada orang lain, tapi maybe sebab aku spesies yang tak reti nak menolak kalau orang mintak tolong tu. maka, hadap la lagi beberapa hari ni. semoga Tuhan permudahkan.


akhir kata, kerja lagi 3 hari sebelum ahad menjelma. yes, aku kena kerja sabtu ni dan assignment ctdm aku belum siap.

p/s: ctdm stands for certification of training and development manager. aku belajar dekat mihrm. sebab boss sekarang paksa dulu. tapi aku bersyukur je, sebab bagus untuk knowledge aku. dan semoga nanti ke depan ada nilai la certificate tu.